Playmate vs. Parent —Finding the courage to set loving boundaries
Posted by Tiziana on June 22, 2010Doesn’t your child look so cute? How could you ever think of putting him/her on time out? Have you questioned your role as a mother and how do relate to your child?
You are not the only one. My husband had been nagging me about my role as a parent. He told me that I was playmate and not a parent and that I was letting our child get her way. While I knew he was right, I found it so hard to be anything else but my child’s playmate. She is such a gentle soul, cute as button, and my heart melts when she calls me mammy… than the tantrums started.
One Sunday morning, Giorgia and I met some friends for brunch, and it was just horrible. Giorgia had started by being more challenging than usual. But I now found myself in a public place without my husband… and it was clear that his words… to my dismay were proven true. My words carried no weight for Giorgia.
I remember getting home and feeling embarrassed, mortified and frustrated. Not necessarily with Giorgia or for her behavior, but rather for my own apparent lack of authority, self-control and the ability to set boundaries in loving ways.
I had already gone down the path of reading a few books, and nothing really stood out. Through one of the online forums I learned that some local churches and schools have free parenting programs and I soon found the details of the “Love and Logic” classes. I seem to have discovered a secret that everyone else new of and had failed to mention it to me.
This is just one of the many programs/books offered. Just take a peak at the list of parenting books available: Scream free parenting, Positive Parenting, How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk, The mother of all parenting books, The happiest toddler on the block, etc. The list is simply endless.
I took the 8 week “Love and Logic” evening classes and with the encouragement of the parent coach I slowly started applying the concept of “sharing control through choices”. To my disbelief – even though Giorgia is only about 20 months old and is just starting to speak, she made choices when given the options...we have been experimenting since then, and testing out some of the other concepts and although parenting is not without its challenging it seems to be a little easier.
We started with some simple stuff – such: do you want to wear your shoes or carry them? Do you want to go outside to play or stay inside?
I had to give some thoughts to our sticky situations that were causing friction, and erupt into full blown tantrums. It seems that most of her frustration comes about from power struggles and transition into other activities. This naturally lead to experiment with “enforceable statements” such as:
- We will go and eat breakfast as soon as you are dressed
- We will go and play outside as soon as you put your toys away
- I will listen when you speak nicely to me
I found myself avoiding the challenges and responsibility of parenting until I faced a situation that made me realize that problems and areas of friction wouldn’t go away if ignored or avoided. But also if I were not to take small steps now I would be faced with the temper of a teenager. Gosh, that's scary!
So, with an open mind I am reading, learning and writing about this wonderful parenting journey of mine and welcome any pointers, techniques that will allow me to help my kid to be respectful and responsible. In the meantime, I continue to listen to “Love and Logic” audios, experimenting with new techniques and remind myself that - change is constant.
A couple of resources that you might find helpful:
- 10 Techniques to shape children behavior
- Enforceable statements from Love and Logic
- Sharing control sample from Love and Logic
- Say what you see
Find the Fun in Parenting!
